Science & Technology

A victim of the imaginary illnessPsychological illness in which victims are unable to escape the impression that their genitals are retracting into their body and do everything in their power to prevent their disappearance – often utilising ropes or adhesive materials that ultimately do more damage to their penis than the imagined disease ever could. Relatively common in parts of Asia and Africa, it is generally thought to be a culture-specific syndrome, and most psychologists blame its prevalence on the spreading of rumours through unsubstantiated reports in pseudo-academic journals. Not to be confused with Genital Withdrawal Syndrome, which shares the exact same symptoms but is a genuine illness.

Quanti-Fresh

Brand of air freshener developed by Danish physicist Mikael Nedersen that worked by taking air pockets from alternate universes and injecting them into ours, giving us completely fresh air. Unfortunately, the same device was developed simultaneously in several parallel worlds by Michelle Nedersen, Mikael Dendersen, Mitchell Neederson’s third head, Earth president and sentient Num Lock key Mo’ Dandy, and the ghost of Richard Pryor, and soon air was being imported and exported throughout the multiverse with no regulation. A G-infinity summit was eventually held in which it was decided that air would be taken from a universe in which humans had evolved without lungs, pumped through all other universes (in order of stuffiness), and finally dumped in a universe devoid of fossil fuel and heavily reliant on wind energy. It is predicted that this last universe will eventually burst under the pressure, but experts point out that in an …

An example of photography from the now disgraced Charles KavalierField of research pioneered by new-age French physicist Charles Kavalier, in which he claimed it was possible to photograph someone’s life-force (or ‘aura’) using a camera constructed from opposing sheets of material which beamed magnetic radiations through the subject and onto a photographic plate. Although the apparatus did in fact work, Kavalier was disgraced when he recommended that several of his clients undergo dangerous surgery in order to remove the cancers or tumours which his photographs had revealed, resulting in one of the perfectly healthy patients dying on the operating table. After he was challenged on his fatal misdiagnosis, it was discovered that the ominous ‘tumour’ on the photograph actually depicted nothing more than Kavalier’s own thumb in front of the lens.

Prototype for a biologically engineered alarm clock which could be implanted in the heads of the chronically lazy. In order to quash any attempts to worm out of getting up, the clock featured no deactivation procedure, and the small group of subjects who trialled the implant in 2012 were dismayed to learn that they would be waking up at 6.45am sharp every morning for the rest of their lives. A few desperate members of the group resorted to suicide to escape the incessant beeps, but found that the clocks were so effective that they awoke the next morning in the mortuary, and indeed every morning in increasingly decayed states for the rest of known history.

Personal computer manufactured by Dancing Henry founder Sir Henry Drummond in the 1920s. While most computers at the time were enormous steel contraptions that took up entire rooms, Sir Drummond envisioned something more compact and accessible, and commissioned what would become the first ever home computer. Featuring a 2-button keypad, the five-stone monitor was capable of displaying up to 1 digit, and Drummond would delight his guests by seeming to magically produce either a 1 or a 0 on the screen in as little as 30 minutes. Although Drummond eventually sold off the Electric Drummond company, its principles had a profound influence on modern technology, and it is a direct inspiration for the binary code that underpins most digital technology today.