Great Men & Above Average Women

The CougarShadowy assassin who captured the public’s imagination in the 1970s when he made the sensational claim that he was going to track down and kill the oldest person in the world. Unfortunately, The Cougar’s preparation was so painstaking and methodical that by the time he was ready to pounce on the unlucky geriatric they had already died. The Cougar promptly switched targets to the next oldest person in the world, but tragically they also snuffed it before he had a chance to kill them. After several thwarted attempts, a frustrated Cougar announced that he would instead devote his energies to assassinating the youngest person in the world, and is currently presumed to be making preparations in hiding after research carried out by The Dancing Henry Foundation found that the youngest person in the world is so young that they will not be born until 2054.

Cardinal Hubert Eggwell's ill-fated self portraitAdvisor to Queen Victoria, and keen inventor who developed one of the very first cameras in the early 19th century. Though revolutionary, the exposure time on his ‘Cardinal-cam’ was so slow that subjects were forced to sit absolutely still for as long as 3 days in order to capture an image on the primitive photographic plate. Hubert was eventually executed by the Royal Court for treason after making no attempts to stop a robbery that saw the entire crown jewel collection and estate of the monarchy being stolen right in front of his eyes, the heist having unfortunately occurred during his attempt to take a self-portrait.

Famed Dutch philosopher who spent her entire life in bed, proclaiming all forms of activity to be utterly futile. A big hit with the Bohemian crowd, until her duvet was accidentally removed one day to reveal a huge pile of faeces.

Super fast gunfighter Tom Dodge.Legendary western gunfighter, allegedly so quick on the draw that he was able to unholster his gun and shoot a man dead before they had begun to draw on him, and sometimes even before the duel had begun. In Tombstone in 1873, he killed 14 duellers in the space of one month – three while reaching for their guns, five before they had loaded, four still in bed, one yet to arrive in town, and one toddler who had not yet learned to shoot. When a local sheriff become suspicious of these self-defence killings, Dodge, afraid of jail, decided to commit suicide. However, in an ironic twist of fate, he found he was too quick for himself and managed to draw his gun and put a bullet in his own head before he could shoot himself. Dodge’s super-quick draw has made him the hero of every schoolboy since.