Highly respected conspiracy theorist who on the 4th of July 1976 made the tragic mistake of watching a documentary about the Kennedy assassination and reading a book on Descartes in the same afternoon. This potent combination forced his sense of reality to collapse in on itself, and in a state of feverish paranoia he decided to redecorate his living room by scrawling the now famous words “I think, therefore I must be in on it” across the walls with his own blood. His body was discovered in a sewer in New Mexico several months later and forensic scientists were able to a retrieve a further sheaf of notes from inside his stomach, in which Roswell declared his intention to “keep myself hidden from me at all costs, lest I should ever be discovered by myself and be forced to divulge the knowledge I have of my involvement in this blatant conspiracy.” It is believed that Roswell ate the notes in an attempt to destroy the evidence, and the incident was initially reported as one of simple paranoia-induced insanity. However, his autopsy later revealed that he had died as a result of several blows to the head which investigators believe were self-inflicted for the express purpose of getting himself to talk. As a result, Roswell’s controversial views have been somewhat vindicated – as it appears that he really was out to get himself.